YES WE CAN

I wouldn't say I was watching the US presidential race closely (I only knew the race has come to an end yesterday morning via FB) but I do have a lot of respect for BO.

And last night someone's statement that made such an impact for me. He said, if the President of a country can change, why can't we make a change for ourselves?

It's true that we're so comfortable with our lives that we forget to have visions and dreams. We settle for mediocrity and we're terrified of change. Guess what, everything is on constant change around us; the people around us, the economy, the weather even, etc, and if we don't do something differently, we'll be stuck in a rut.

And for the record, I'm not referring to our local political scene. The topic is beaten to death, but change has to start with you. Do something to change your life. And if you're happy just the way you are, quit whining.

I've found this inspirational video by Will.i.am. I hope there's something good out of it for you. It certainly is for me.

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.
Yes we can.
It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom.
Yes we can.
It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.
Yes we can.
It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballots; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.
Yes we can to justice and equality.
Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.
Yes we can heal this nation.
Yes we can repair this world.
Yes we can.
We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change. (We want change.)
We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics…they will only grow louder and more dissonant ……….. We’ve been asked to pause for a reality check. We’ve been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.
But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.
Now the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon
are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA;
we will remember that there is something happening in America;
that we are not as divided as our politics suggests;
that we are one people; we are one nation;
and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story
with three words that will ring from coast to coast;
from sea to shining sea: Yes We Can.

p/s: and for the record, I'm not America-worshiping, but I do believe the power of the dream and inspiration.

BOUNCING

Alright, enough with the tenggelam timbul (floating and sinking) game already, Anne and get your act together! You shouldn't make excuses now about just how busy and blank you are to be updating your blog now that you already have what you've always wanted.

Harhar, I always give myself a good scolding after being MIA right? Truth is, it was kinda nice hiding under my coconut shell for a while, did a lot of thinking and resting (kinda ironic, how to relax when you're constantly thinking which would lead to worrying??) and slowly recovering from that debilitating health issues I've had for the past 2 weeks. The fever subsides for almost a week now and the ticklish cough is finally gone for good. What is irritating me now is just my tummy that is 'not smiling' throughout the day. All these things freaked me out big time and as always affected my emotional and mental state as well. No surprise I lost all that 5 kilos that I've always wanted and have a hard time keeping my pants up.

Not that I'm complaining that I've finally reached my anak dara weight again, but I couldn't keep thinking whether it was all worth it, you know, shedding all those pounds at the expense of one of most precious thing in life, health.

But I'm past that now and I'm back to my usual self, and I shall keep on bouncing and rolling.

Me and my shameless dongga forehead at Aqil birthday party last week.

CHANGES AND BEACHES

A couple of weeks ago, when I was going through this transition, (hmm, some of you might be wondering why I'm speaking so vaguely, but bear with me while we wait things to solidify, k?) again I plunged deep into self-doubt.

Primarily, I was worried for Nunu at school, who displayed rather troubling behaviour, which started when I picked her up later in the evenings, around 4 - 4.30 pm. She started to resist going to school, and at one time, ran past us all the adults and out of the school gate, and straight towards the road! I caught her just in time. She hugged me so tightly, kissed my hands and cheeks a million times if she could, before the teachers had to pry her fingers off me.

She refused to nap with the other kids. She screamed and cried during bath time. She didn't like to participate in group activities, especially singing together and doing the hand motions. She'd rather do her own stuff or walk around (looking for trouble I guess, hehe). She told me all this, and her story was verified by the teachers. She said she didn't like to go in the class. She whined that she didn't want to eat, sleep or bathe at school. I asked her why and she answered that she wanted to be with me. She said a lot of stuff that was worry worthy. This went on for more than a month.

The teachers of course, told me she was fine and she would adapt sooner or later. How could I not worry, you tell me? I wasn't the only one going through changes but do I have to subject her to the consequences of my decisions?

Ugh, motherly guilt, you got me good. You eat me alive.

Again, to compensate and clear off our minds, we hit the beach.



I taught her to collect sea shells



She never played with sand before, kuis kuis dengan kaki jer. But she's a fast learner, and we both got sands in our eyes soon after that.

The day we went to the beach, I ran into a man with a toddler. He looked very sad and troubled, and the boy looked a bit listless. I immediately felt pity for the boy. The man approached me and with cautious but embarrassed words, he asked me for help. He work nights and he hasn't been paid by his employer and he was short for cash. He said he can starve but his son hasn't had milk for days, he had to feed the boy air gula (plain syrup of sugar and water). He asked whether I could buy his son a small pack of milk, the same brand I'm giving Nunu now and he would pay me back at the end of this month, if we could meet up again at the same place.

I knew he could be conning me, but what if he was telling the truth, and I refused to help someone fearing of being duped? That would be sinful, and even if he was a con, if I intented to bersedekah, I'd get pahala, right? I believe what goes around, comes around. Too bad the store nearby was closed that time, so I just gave the man RM10.00. Immediately I felt humbled by the fact that there are people out there struggling with worse problems than mine.



And how truly blessed and fortunate we are. I really hope the boy gets the milk.

Look at her expression when I took a big bite off her ice cream cone!

Merajuk konon!

SLUMP

No, I haven't been sucked in a black hole and ceased to exist in the virtual world, truth is I'm just swamped with work and the real world, I literally feel like I'm trudging through the murky waters, sinking and drowning into oblivion.

I hate to put my thoughts for all to see when I'm going through 'one of those days', which I fondly refer as my 'downtime', when every aspect of my life seem to be malfunctioning. One of those days when I second guess everything I do for fear that I'd lose something or a piece of me if I made the wrong choice. I was everywhere and all over the place, but I was going nowhere.

Yeah, you moms know what I mean. I hope you do, coz I'm not making any sense even to myself.

Frankly, I've never thought that I'm quite fit in with my current roles and the different hats that I wear on a daily basis. I'm a bad juggler, you see. Sometimes, I barely scrape through, but most days things just slip and fall apart, but I picked up after my own mess, and keep on juggling. I'm still seeking, and searching, for the balance. It doesn't have to be a perfect balance, I just don't wanna fall of the edge again.

I wanna be happy, for the sake of this kid.



My happiness is in her giggles



My joy, in her exuberance


In the speed of Nunu

We have a game. She calles herself 'Chua' sometimes, and her poor mother, 'Amin', both characters of the GBS fame. One day, when she saw me staring into space like a freaking zombie, she held my face and stroked my cheek, and said, "Bertenang, Amin. Bertenang." (tr: relax)

She's telling me to 'bertenang' a lot these days. Especially when I'm about to turn into another type of monster who's trying to get her tiddler creature under her thumb. I admit she's been awfully good while I'm going through this, save from a few occasions but fall nowhere near her behavior while the TT phase was at its height; an absolute delight. So I admit, I took it out on her. Poor Nunu, she's so forgiving, unlike me.

Then again, I hope this is just hormonal. And no, "I'm not. I'm just fat".

Those kind people who innocently throw the "Are you pregnant?" or "Sooo, when is Nunu going to have an adik?" question may think that they mean no harm, but please, I'm sick of the question already and I don't want to be pleasant about it anymore. Call me sensitive, I don't care.

Sorry.

THE SILENCE WAS DEAFENING

... when the little one wasn't around.

I took your advice, pinky, and shamelessly left Nunu to have a sleepover at the nanny's place, part of my hothotchickenshit grand plan to have her weaned and also, to claim my much needed 8-hour uninterrupted sleep. I craved to have that, at least for one night. I thought I can survive one night without Nunu.

Although, I did anticipate that I'd wake up in the middle of slumber and reach out to her, or dreamily pulled up my shirt half-expecting her to find warmth and comfort.

However, having a massive headache at work that evening and all throughout the drive back home helped to convince that I took the right decision, although the pang of lonesomeness started to strike as soon as I closed the car's door when I arrived, and saw a grey figure in her empty car seat.

Nunu has left her Elliefant (previously know as te-te-te) in the carseat when I dropped her off earlier that morning.

And as soon as I stepped into the empty house, every single thing that belongs to her seemed to ring and scream at me with her voice (ok, maybe it was that headache that played tricks on my mind?)

So I barely functioned around the house, finally savouring the time I've always complain of not having enough while she was around to execute some household task.

But I tell ya, it's not worth it to have a home spick and span, if you don't have a small mouth to inhale to tell whether it is nice or not after a bedtime brush, a tummy to tickle after you've rubbed it with lavender baby oil, a neck that smells heavenly (although a bit eczema affected) that you can snuggle into before you both drift to slumberland.

I called the nanny to check up on her, and was wistfully glad to hear that she was having an awesome time at her own 'pyjama party' with her 'older brothers'. How lucky I am to have Kak Nab who doesn't mind at all to have her for the night. We're both pretty sure she doesn't fuss much if the brothers are around and she can easily fall asleep in the hammock or buai- she definitely won't ask for nen-nen since I'm not around, she prolly won't even remember to look for me!

And we were right, she was excited to hear my voice at the other end, but she quickly dismissed me with a "ah - okbyetata!"

So I went to sleep with this nasty, awful, pain in my heart, but I slept through the night, and woke up feeling very refreshed, with the notion that I prolly won't need this much sleep for a long time. It's worth it, but I won't sleep another day without a sleeping baby in my arms.

I've got too used to it. It tortures and deprives me, but I can't live without it. During our many many nights alone, when she's clingy and needy, I struggled with own needs and desires, but I have to accept the fact that I need her just as much as she needs me (or my boobs?)

I know, it sounds crazy.

However, it doesn't make me feel guilty or anything, that pain in my chest, i know, is not caused by guilty conscience. I only felt guilty because the next day, when I called to pick her up, the nanny told me that there has been an accident.

my camera's macro function doesn't work! gaaah, time for a new camera perhaps?

It's like a rite of passage of toddlerhood, right? I don't blame anyone, but somehow I felt guilty because I wasn't there to be with her, when she prolly needs her mother to sooth her, to fuss over her wound, to take her to the clinic and be excessively worried when the blood wouldn't stop dripping.

I know, it sound crazy, right?

But Nunu's such a little trooper anyway. The nanny reported that she came to her in the kitchen while she was preparing milk, with blood in her finger with nary a whimper (it was the teeny corner of the TV cabinet's chipped glass cover, who would have thought!) She hardly flinched when the doctor cleaned up her wound, or when we slather the fusidic ointment on the finger after bath('Don't touch!' she would repeat after me!)

Yeah, so girls are made of more resilient stuff than just sugar and spice and nice things :D


That's her keeping her finger safe and facing 'upwards'


Tak sakit pun, kan Nunu?




Still boleh bergelak ketawa...


... dan bersuka ria bersama teman dan rakan

LELAKI INI...

... rajin lah pulak!

He scrubbed the floors of both bathrooms - the plastic pails even!

He washed the rubbish bins and let them air dry.

But most importantly, he took on the most daunting household task of all.

Folding all the garbage bags into neat and manageable pieces!




See, it doesn't take much to make your wife happy :D

Jadi, dengan penuh keinsafan, di hari baik bulan baik ni, dinda mohon ampun dah maaf atas segala kesilapan dan dosa dinda terhadap kanda - cewah! Dinda dedicatekan satu lagu yang penuh syahdu untuk kekanda tersayang.

Kasih, kenanganku
Ingatkah saat saat dulu
Kasih, apakah dirimu
Merasakan semua itu

Ke mana pun langkahku pergi
Ku masih melihat bayanganmu cintaku
Dan kemana pun arah anginku berlari
Hati ini masih kau miliki

Lelaki ini yang selalu mencintamu
Selalu, tanpa ragu
Lelaki ini yang selalu memuja
Hanya dirimu
Yang bertakhta dalam sanubariku
Sanubari ku
Aku yang mencintakan mu
Hanya dirimu…

Karena cintaku, tak berbatas waktu
Karena cintaku, tak mengenal jenuh hatimu
Hatimu…

p/s: this is not the official music video of AZ's, so if you find it sucky, just listen to the song, OK?

FGF #8: PRATFALLS

I believe that I have been spreading too much negativity through my blog. I didn't mean to worry anyone, and I really appreciate your concerns. Thank you, people for trying to cheer me up.

Heriati wrote an excellent entry about questioning the existence of her blog (and other matters). Like her and many other mummy bloggers, I started blogging to document my journey through motherhood, for I know sometimes it could be a lonely voyage.

I began to wonder what kind of persona am I projecting in this blog of mine? Probably all these while, people may believe that I am happy-go-lucky person behind this 'sugar-spice & everything-nice' blog.

Truth be told, I actually have a depressive nature & an inclination to suffer mental breakdowns every now & then. A closet maniac who always had suicidal & homicidal thoughts lingering at the back of her mind. The only difference between me & the person you read in the papers who jumped off the bridge or randomly hacks people is, I haven't been institutionalized. Yet.

Did I mention that I always go a little bit overboard sometimes?

OK, maybe I am not clinically insane, but you get the picture.

So, lesson learnt. Don't believe anything you read. I could be a stark raving cuckoo bird & blogging about the cute stuffs that my daughter do is the only outlet I have to keep my sanity.

A few days after posting up some really downer entries, I felt silly for displaying my vulnerability & concealing my true emotions behind sad youtube oldies to communicate my feelings & how miserable I felt these past few weeks.

So I took those entries down, but received feedbacks that at least one of the entry hit home with a friend & Mynn was also deeply affected by it, he posted the same verse on his blog to share with others. So I'm putting that post back up... with some editing of course :)

But I can't really resist, can't I? It was Monday & it was raining & I was feeling blue. I was missing my mother & remembered how much fun we had singing along to Karen.

And I know I needed someone to talk to. And I had no one to turn to at the moment. It's not like I've always poured my heart out anyone all these while. I'm a private person when it comes to things that are troubling me, but I've always manage to somehow pull through.

So which direction am I going really? Do I have a valid point here? I don't know, I wish I can stop beating around the bush now. I wish I can write a spot on entry just like Heriati, but come to think of it, that is so NOT me :)

So add this to another pointless rambling post from me.

Oh ya, I forgot. Silly me *slaps forehead* What I really would like to say is, I wish I can put up more entries on my life's journey through motherhood, and leave some of my emotional baggage elsewhere. Like a new blog maybe *lightbulbs flashing*. Yeah, that's right. A spanking new blog, just for myself.

Somewhere I could hold a cleaver & go bobbitting around (thanks Nad & Hana for this around term & idea) without shedding actual blood. Somewhere I could hang myself over & over again & NOT be dead.

Therefore, future self-destructive entries will be at an undisclosed location, together with those sappy old youtube songs.

This blog with the 'panjang nak mampos title tapi aku tak pedulik' shall remain sweet & funny & positive. There will be more wordless wednesdays & feel good fridays & big fat gundus & of course, cute nunu stuffs.

I shall not focus on family issues per se, as there are more to life than just the growing pains. But one thing for sure, I ain't gonna taint this blog & start torturing people with Barry Manilow :D

It may be funny if I'm beginning to quote Daniel Meade at this point, but trust me, Ugly Betty teaches you more than just about great/drab fashion sense & scheming colleagues. I believe he said something like, "Everybody has problems - big or small, no matter how rich or poor they are. But this is MY problem."

Which makes me comprehend that, OK so I have problems & other people may have bigger problems than mine. It is always easy to draw comparisons, but these are my demons to slay & I shan't be complacent that way.

However, upon realizing that I have so much to be thankful for (and that my problems are not half as big as Miss Hilton) - I have the faith that I have only Allah SWT to turn to & I shall learn to find peace of mind & happiness through the only way I can.

Your Lord is Allah, who, in six days created the heavens and the earth, and then willed to the Throne. He throws the veil of night over the day. Swiftly they follow one another. The sun, the moon, and the stars are compelled to His order. His is the creation, His is the command. Blessed is Allah, the Lord of the Worlds.

Feel good already, I have a meme to write!

IT'S GONNA BE OK

She said something really interesting today on the Breakfast Show.

"What is life if it is not lived with passion"

Nothing earthshaking really, but that's a nugget of wisdom for me.

Here are more good ones & some crappy ones :)

*this post was inspired by the lovely Daphne Iking & the chicken nuggets I made Nunu ate last night... tsk tsk..

LUCKY KIDS

What goes through your mind, when your child, who is usually well behaved during shopping trips, suddenly burst into uncontrollable fits (and when I say well behaved, I mean zipping through the crowds & aisles in the most carefree manner, wriggling away from your hold, and aspiring to be a skillful stroller escape artist) unpacified with a pink balloon, or a pink yoghurt drink, or even your *pink* handphone (now you know raggedyanne has an affinity for everything pink!)

Do you think that your child is 1. acting impossible, 2. throwing a tantrum, or 3. being outlandishly cranky?

Are you close to 1. scolding your child. 2. smacking some sense into her, or 3. storming out of the store, cursing under your breath?

Take a step back, and try to chew this: does it ever occur to you that there might be a silver lining somewhere? That god specifically plan this sticky situation to open your eyes so that you can see there is something absolutely fantastic in store for you? And you can't leave the place since your car, that you have sent for a wash downstairs at the parking lot, is still not ready - for a good- no, GREAT reason you cannot possible fathom?


Nunu in motion - just before her 'episode'

Basically the above-mentioned ugly scene brought us to the baby room where we met this nice akak with her daughter, about a year old. We had to leave my Tok to guard our fully laden trolley at the food court. I opened up my 'secret weapon' (still got power leh) and Nunu was pacified for about 10 minutes.

Now, this akak's daughter, (which I learnt later is nicknamed Embun) is a pretty 'special' child. I chitchatted with the akak, but through out the time, there is indescribable 'sayang' feeling that I felt when I looked at Embun. Frankly I couldn't take my eyes of her.

Not only did she appeared as an extremely intelligent child (she can 'sing' the melody of 'My Heart'!) and waaaay advanced in speech compared to two months older Nunu, she had great social skills too, interacting with Nunu, oblivious of her own physical disability, smiling, laughing, feistily fought with her siblings over candies :)

And the mother was such a chatterbox too, that I went out to get Tok who was waiting outside to join us (it's great that the baby room is spacious enough to accomodate 2 trolleys, a stroller and 3-8 adults!

Tok, of course, fell head over heels in love with Embun. She looked at them with such tender eyes, and after chatting a while, invited the akak to our house someday.

"Rumah nenek kat mana?" she asked.

"Dekat Pokok Sena, Kepala Batas. Mai lah rumah bila-bila." Tok said.

"Oh, dulu saya kat Kepala Batas jugak. Dekat Taman Sri Serdang. Dulu suami kerja ngan kontraktor kat sana, apa nama, PMSB? Alah, boss dia nama tu F____, ah, adik dia yang pompuan tu nama, aah Cik Y____. Blablabla....."

At this moment, my mouth dropped. Akak ni cakap memang non-stop, laju jer cerita dia!

PMSB is my dad's company!

"Eh, kak tadi nama suami akak, Mohd Noor kan? Tooooookkkk! Abang Mat Not lah!"

In a split second, the conversation was blurry as everyone tried to talk and laugh at the same time! Tok immediately embraced the akak and kissed Embun's face repeatedly. The older kids was baffled at what the fuss was all about.

Abang Mat Not worked at my dad's company for the longest time as a despatch. We were as close as a family can get, and we were together through thick and thin. He resigned a few years back to help his family with their food business, got married and moved to Kulim and worked in BM now.

And it was such a nice & surprising coincidence to meet them again after all these while.

It's a shame that we were so busy catching up, that I forgot to take a proper family picture.


Abang Poji & Mak Minah (coz of her mulut potpet)


The seraphic child, Embun.

Finally the time came for us to bid farewell. We exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. When we left the room, Tok shook her head in disbelief and said, "Masya-Allah, bertuahnya anak-anak ni, Anne. Rupa-rupanya ada hikmah Nuha ni buat perangai tadi! Dia nak jumpakan Embun dekat kita!"

Tok felt the same thing too when she saw Embun, an indescribable 'sayang' feeling as soon as she laid eyes on her. Rupanya adik beradik jugak!

So I shall never forget this lesson, that our kids bring us great fortune, though we may not be able to see it most of the time.

I'LL WASH MY FEET...

I don't want to write this post initially, because it's really upsetting. But i need to get it out of my system and hopefully some input from my dear loyal readers (yah, all 4 of you :)

I truly don't know what triggered this dream I had last night. I set my alarm for sahur at 4 am, it went off and Nunu stirred from her sleep. Let her have her milky, let her fall asleep on top of me and I drifted back to sleep to coz I haven't heard MIL up yet.

I dream almost every night, but unfortunately I'm not blessed with lucid dreams or the ability to take charge in my dreams. I don't usually remember the whole chunck of my dreams because of my selective memory, only snippets from what appears to be like very, very vivid happenings of my life, as non-sensical and unbelievable as it may seem. Though sometimes I can't describe what was happening in my dream, the feelings, the thoughts, whatever emotional state I was in during the dream - THOSE things felt very real I was totally sure I wasn't dreaming when I dreamt.

So I was saying, I don't recall the earlier part of the dream but what I do recall is SO horrible and SO sickening, (I think) only a clinically mentally disturbed person would have such dreams. In it, I held Nunu by her ankles and swung her head repeatedly on the walls outside my kampung home several times like a rag doll (I'm tearing as I'm typing this) without feeling any mercy or remorse. NAUZUBILLAH! There were people around me, kampung folks who were about, but they were minding their own business and didn't see me. I remember feeling (in the dream) as if I just had to do it, for her sake, that if I didn't do it, I'd e in trouble, even greater than committing the unspeakable act itself! There was no blood, no screams, but finally when she was all limp and broken - and I sort of snapped out of my previously merciless, zombie-like state of mind, realized the horror of what I've done, and I wailed out loud while I held her body in my arms, wishing I've never had done it in the first place and wishing that I could turn back the time and undo it, AND wishing that it's just a bad dream though I knew it wasn't a dream and I was positive I've lost her and I'll never have her again.

And at THAT moment, I thank God, I woke up. Dazed, I saw it was 4.30 am, Nunu's still sleeping and safe on my bosom, and MIL's already preparing food for Sahur.

Maybe I read too much about dead abandoned babies, child abuse and news about dads/moms going berserk and knifed their children or slitted their throat.

Oh. I'm sorry about the graphic details.

I'm treating it as just a nightmare (coz I haven't lost my mind yet) but those images, that broken doll sensation in my embrace, that FEELING of loss and confusion - that'll take time for me to recover.

Sleeping Beauty

My bundle of joy


Looking at her sleeping so peacefully makes me wanna hold her tight and protect her from the harsh & unmerciful world. Then I realized God is Most Gracious and Most Merciful, and God will protect my baby. Immediately I thought of my good friend friend Zura, who lost her newborn due to lung complications just a week before I delivered Nunu. I felt so sorry for her and cried for hours, and it took days before I snapped out of it.

Precious Nunu, Mama is truly blessed to have you. May Allah protect you always, my love.