I'LL WASH MY FEET...

I don't want to write this post initially, because it's really upsetting. But i need to get it out of my system and hopefully some input from my dear loyal readers (yah, all 4 of you :)

I truly don't know what triggered this dream I had last night. I set my alarm for sahur at 4 am, it went off and Nunu stirred from her sleep. Let her have her milky, let her fall asleep on top of me and I drifted back to sleep to coz I haven't heard MIL up yet.

I dream almost every night, but unfortunately I'm not blessed with lucid dreams or the ability to take charge in my dreams. I don't usually remember the whole chunck of my dreams because of my selective memory, only snippets from what appears to be like very, very vivid happenings of my life, as non-sensical and unbelievable as it may seem. Though sometimes I can't describe what was happening in my dream, the feelings, the thoughts, whatever emotional state I was in during the dream - THOSE things felt very real I was totally sure I wasn't dreaming when I dreamt.

So I was saying, I don't recall the earlier part of the dream but what I do recall is SO horrible and SO sickening, (I think) only a clinically mentally disturbed person would have such dreams. In it, I held Nunu by her ankles and swung her head repeatedly on the walls outside my kampung home several times like a rag doll (I'm tearing as I'm typing this) without feeling any mercy or remorse. NAUZUBILLAH! There were people around me, kampung folks who were about, but they were minding their own business and didn't see me. I remember feeling (in the dream) as if I just had to do it, for her sake, that if I didn't do it, I'd e in trouble, even greater than committing the unspeakable act itself! There was no blood, no screams, but finally when she was all limp and broken - and I sort of snapped out of my previously merciless, zombie-like state of mind, realized the horror of what I've done, and I wailed out loud while I held her body in my arms, wishing I've never had done it in the first place and wishing that I could turn back the time and undo it, AND wishing that it's just a bad dream though I knew it wasn't a dream and I was positive I've lost her and I'll never have her again.

And at THAT moment, I thank God, I woke up. Dazed, I saw it was 4.30 am, Nunu's still sleeping and safe on my bosom, and MIL's already preparing food for Sahur.

Maybe I read too much about dead abandoned babies, child abuse and news about dads/moms going berserk and knifed their children or slitted their throat.

Oh. I'm sorry about the graphic details.

I'm treating it as just a nightmare (coz I haven't lost my mind yet) but those images, that broken doll sensation in my embrace, that FEELING of loss and confusion - that'll take time for me to recover.

CARELESS OL' ME

I think there's a need of an announcement. Since I've misplaced my digicam and I've given up looking for it, there'll be no picture updates for the moment. I'm totally, totally broke and won't be able to buy a new camera unless all my friggin' debtors decide to pay up before raya & I'll be able to give myself (and my staff too) a big fat raya bonus :)

Anyway, if anyone has a spare digicam and is thinking of 'giving away' their old camera, think of me pls ! (esp that person who just got his much-awaited spanking new kick ass Canon D400, eh 400D)

Err... itu Sony bagi I ajelah!

BOLEH TAHAN KAAA??

Ish.. ish.. it's only 1 pm. I'm already feeling lightheaded and my belly's growling!

Must... mustt... tahannnnn....

......

Somehow, I knew this would happen to me (considering my depleting grey matter!)

The first day of Ramadhan was spent at the in-laws (yahoo to MIL's fish curry). I was feeding Nunu her cookies while chatting with MIL, FIL & a good aunty-friend of MIL. A small piece fell on the floor & instinctively I picked it put, fuh fuh a bit & popped it in my mouth like I normally do. Everybody yelled, "Eh Anne! P..PUASAAA!!!"

What else? Gotta cough it up lah! Good thing I didn't swallow!

Never mind... tak sengaja, righttt? Still notchet batal...

But I had to be reminded of that funny incident numerous times when MIL recounts it to other members of the family who came to visit yesterday.

I'm glad it happened sooner than later. Now must ingat-ingat *sticks index finger ala Nunu*

Ramadhan Mubarak, everyone!

RAMADHAN BLUES

It’s time to look out for the ‘baby moon’. If it’s visible tonight, we’ll probably start fasting tomorrow.

Despite all my effort to increase my milk supply, it still fluctuates like, borrowing a fellow blogger’s comment, the Malaysian stock market. At present, I can consider myself lucky if I’m getting 10 oz a day. The most I can express at a time is 5 oz (sometime during lunch break) and usually the second session which is around 5-6 pm, I can’t get more than 4oz.

Mom put on homeopathy pills from the popular Salindah range, supposedly to increase milk supply. However, due to the lack of information that I can get my hands on to from the website and the label itself - i.e what are the active ingredients, how it works, when will I get some positive results, etc, I only feel a substantial difference during Subuh time when I get to experience a fullness.

I still can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong.

Now that Ramadhan is almost here, I feel the impending dread finally gripping me, although I’ve been worried about breastfeeding during Ramadhan weeks ago. I kept an almost perfect score while carrying Nunu last Ramadhan and paid the 2 day fasting debt soon after the confinement period but I noticed the supply didn’t dip that much.

A couple of weeks ago, I ‘saja-saja-gatal-testing’ fasting to see if there’s a difference in the amount expressed. Oh dear, oh dear, the amount dwindled to only 3 oz per session!

How can I stay calm like this?

Whatever happens, I will have to face this. There’s no going back. True, Nunu’s already been on supplementary formula, and she hardly notices the difference or develops preferences, so why the hassle right?

Maybe, just maybe, I’m not ready to let go just yet. I mean, I can’t imagine if I were in Nunu’s booties, waking up one night looking for her momma’s ‘udders’ and nothing came out? And there are certain times when I came home first before picking her up to settle house chores, I spend most of the time thinking about her and missing an opportunity to nurse her. The same thing 'separation anxiety' hits me when I go shopping without her, losing my mood halfway and end up walking around aimlessly - because I miss her.

I know. Crazy, right?

To breastfeeding mothers who feel the same way that I do, I’m sure you’ve done extensive research on how to survive the fasting month. Just to share a few pointers with my fellow militants :)

Tips for Ramadhan taken from Mom’s Little Ones

The main thing is to make the most of Sahur & Breakfasting.
Ok, must set at least four alarms!

Ramadhan & Breastfeeding

Apa supplement lagi yang belum dicuba, ek?

Religious Fasting and Breastfeeding

Fasting actually does not decrease milk supply, but severe dehydration can decrease milk supply.

Islam Online Forum with an Egyptian medical professor on the panel

It’s ok to break fast if milk supply is truly affected.
But itu hutang mesti ganti la..

....

While researching to find the solution for my bf problems, I chanced upon an article from the LLL website. From this mom's story, I found out that my perception of Nunu’s wakefulness is actually termed as reverse-cycle nursing.

Apparently, Nunu develops a nursing pattern according to a working mom's schedule which is perfectly normal and acceptable (you are right, Hana!). That means she has decided that she'll drink less during the day and prefers to nurse more at night.

If i were to impose a strict bedtime & forced 'sleep-thru-the-night' experiment, I could risk sutting off my supply indefinitely. So I shouldn't mistake her midnight 'snacking' as I call it, as comfort nursing where she often wakes up just to 'menyenyeh' or 'menyonyot' because she misses me in the daytime. Which explains why she's downing only 4oz of milk 3-4 times when she's with the nanny, much to my puzzlement before I knew this!

So, I guess I should probably relax a little and make the most out of it. A lot of the articles mention that mother's should learn to slow down the gear, unwind and not worry about the house chores too much.

Maybe I should learn to take a nap in the evening while nursing Nunu to make up for the night time sleep interruptions (people told me I look like a panda bear). And most of all, I shouldn't feel guilty for whatever nursing behaviour Nunu has (she basically has a mind of her own).

So, it's not a case of solved mystery, just a better understanding of my child's quirks :)

Now, any explanation why she's nursing like a lil kitty?