I'LL WASH MY FEET...

I don't want to write this post initially, because it's really upsetting. But i need to get it out of my system and hopefully some input from my dear loyal readers (yah, all 4 of you :)

I truly don't know what triggered this dream I had last night. I set my alarm for sahur at 4 am, it went off and Nunu stirred from her sleep. Let her have her milky, let her fall asleep on top of me and I drifted back to sleep to coz I haven't heard MIL up yet.

I dream almost every night, but unfortunately I'm not blessed with lucid dreams or the ability to take charge in my dreams. I don't usually remember the whole chunck of my dreams because of my selective memory, only snippets from what appears to be like very, very vivid happenings of my life, as non-sensical and unbelievable as it may seem. Though sometimes I can't describe what was happening in my dream, the feelings, the thoughts, whatever emotional state I was in during the dream - THOSE things felt very real I was totally sure I wasn't dreaming when I dreamt.

So I was saying, I don't recall the earlier part of the dream but what I do recall is SO horrible and SO sickening, (I think) only a clinically mentally disturbed person would have such dreams. In it, I held Nunu by her ankles and swung her head repeatedly on the walls outside my kampung home several times like a rag doll (I'm tearing as I'm typing this) without feeling any mercy or remorse. NAUZUBILLAH! There were people around me, kampung folks who were about, but they were minding their own business and didn't see me. I remember feeling (in the dream) as if I just had to do it, for her sake, that if I didn't do it, I'd e in trouble, even greater than committing the unspeakable act itself! There was no blood, no screams, but finally when she was all limp and broken - and I sort of snapped out of my previously merciless, zombie-like state of mind, realized the horror of what I've done, and I wailed out loud while I held her body in my arms, wishing I've never had done it in the first place and wishing that I could turn back the time and undo it, AND wishing that it's just a bad dream though I knew it wasn't a dream and I was positive I've lost her and I'll never have her again.

And at THAT moment, I thank God, I woke up. Dazed, I saw it was 4.30 am, Nunu's still sleeping and safe on my bosom, and MIL's already preparing food for Sahur.

Maybe I read too much about dead abandoned babies, child abuse and news about dads/moms going berserk and knifed their children or slitted their throat.

Oh. I'm sorry about the graphic details.

I'm treating it as just a nightmare (coz I haven't lost my mind yet) but those images, that broken doll sensation in my embrace, that FEELING of loss and confusion - that'll take time for me to recover.