THE SILENCE WAS DEAFENING

... when the little one wasn't around.

I took your advice, pinky, and shamelessly left Nunu to have a sleepover at the nanny's place, part of my hothotchickenshit grand plan to have her weaned and also, to claim my much needed 8-hour uninterrupted sleep. I craved to have that, at least for one night. I thought I can survive one night without Nunu.

Although, I did anticipate that I'd wake up in the middle of slumber and reach out to her, or dreamily pulled up my shirt half-expecting her to find warmth and comfort.

However, having a massive headache at work that evening and all throughout the drive back home helped to convince that I took the right decision, although the pang of lonesomeness started to strike as soon as I closed the car's door when I arrived, and saw a grey figure in her empty car seat.

Nunu has left her Elliefant (previously know as te-te-te) in the carseat when I dropped her off earlier that morning.

And as soon as I stepped into the empty house, every single thing that belongs to her seemed to ring and scream at me with her voice (ok, maybe it was that headache that played tricks on my mind?)

So I barely functioned around the house, finally savouring the time I've always complain of not having enough while she was around to execute some household task.

But I tell ya, it's not worth it to have a home spick and span, if you don't have a small mouth to inhale to tell whether it is nice or not after a bedtime brush, a tummy to tickle after you've rubbed it with lavender baby oil, a neck that smells heavenly (although a bit eczema affected) that you can snuggle into before you both drift to slumberland.

I called the nanny to check up on her, and was wistfully glad to hear that she was having an awesome time at her own 'pyjama party' with her 'older brothers'. How lucky I am to have Kak Nab who doesn't mind at all to have her for the night. We're both pretty sure she doesn't fuss much if the brothers are around and she can easily fall asleep in the hammock or buai- she definitely won't ask for nen-nen since I'm not around, she prolly won't even remember to look for me!

And we were right, she was excited to hear my voice at the other end, but she quickly dismissed me with a "ah - okbyetata!"

So I went to sleep with this nasty, awful, pain in my heart, but I slept through the night, and woke up feeling very refreshed, with the notion that I prolly won't need this much sleep for a long time. It's worth it, but I won't sleep another day without a sleeping baby in my arms.

I've got too used to it. It tortures and deprives me, but I can't live without it. During our many many nights alone, when she's clingy and needy, I struggled with own needs and desires, but I have to accept the fact that I need her just as much as she needs me (or my boobs?)

I know, it sounds crazy.

However, it doesn't make me feel guilty or anything, that pain in my chest, i know, is not caused by guilty conscience. I only felt guilty because the next day, when I called to pick her up, the nanny told me that there has been an accident.

my camera's macro function doesn't work! gaaah, time for a new camera perhaps?

It's like a rite of passage of toddlerhood, right? I don't blame anyone, but somehow I felt guilty because I wasn't there to be with her, when she prolly needs her mother to sooth her, to fuss over her wound, to take her to the clinic and be excessively worried when the blood wouldn't stop dripping.

I know, it sound crazy, right?

But Nunu's such a little trooper anyway. The nanny reported that she came to her in the kitchen while she was preparing milk, with blood in her finger with nary a whimper (it was the teeny corner of the TV cabinet's chipped glass cover, who would have thought!) She hardly flinched when the doctor cleaned up her wound, or when we slather the fusidic ointment on the finger after bath('Don't touch!' she would repeat after me!)

Yeah, so girls are made of more resilient stuff than just sugar and spice and nice things :D


That's her keeping her finger safe and facing 'upwards'


Tak sakit pun, kan Nunu?




Still boleh bergelak ketawa...


... dan bersuka ria bersama teman dan rakan