I believe that I have been spreading too much negativity through my blog. I didn't mean to worry anyone, and I really appreciate your concerns. Thank you, people for trying to cheer me up.
Heriati wrote an excellent entry about questioning the existence of her blog (and other matters). Like her and many other mummy bloggers, I started blogging to document my journey through motherhood, for I know sometimes it could be a lonely voyage.
I began to wonder what kind of persona am I projecting in this blog of mine? Probably all these while, people may believe that I am happy-go-lucky person behind this 'sugar-spice & everything-nice' blog.
Truth be told, I actually have a depressive nature & an inclination to suffer mental breakdowns every now & then. A closet maniac who always had suicidal & homicidal thoughts lingering at the back of her mind. The only difference between me & the person you read in the papers who jumped off the bridge or randomly hacks people is, I haven't been institutionalized. Yet.
Did I mention that I always go a little bit overboard sometimes?
OK, maybe I am not clinically insane, but you get the picture.
So, lesson learnt. Don't believe anything you read. I could be a stark raving cuckoo bird & blogging about the cute stuffs that my daughter do is the only outlet I have to keep my sanity.
A few days after posting up some really downer entries, I felt silly for displaying my vulnerability & concealing my true emotions behind sad youtube oldies to communicate my feelings & how miserable I felt these past few weeks.
So I took those entries down, but received feedbacks that at least one of the entry hit home with a friend & Mynn was also deeply affected by it, he posted the same verse on his blog to share with others. So I'm putting that post back up... with some editing of course :)
But I can't really resist, can't I? It was Monday & it was raining & I was feeling blue. I was missing my mother & remembered how much fun we had singing along to Karen.
And I know I needed someone to talk to. And I had no one to turn to at the moment. It's not like I've always poured my heart out anyone all these while. I'm a private person when it comes to things that are troubling me, but I've always manage to somehow pull through.
So which direction am I going really? Do I have a valid point here? I don't know, I wish I can stop beating around the bush now. I wish I can write a spot on entry just like Heriati, but come to think of it, that is so NOT me :)
So add this to another pointless rambling post from me.
Oh ya, I forgot. Silly me *slaps forehead* What I really would like to say is, I wish I can put up more entries on my life's journey through motherhood, and leave some of my emotional baggage elsewhere. Like a new blog maybe *lightbulbs flashing*. Yeah, that's right. A spanking new blog, just for myself.
Somewhere I could hold a cleaver & go bobbitting around (thanks Nad & Hana for this around term & idea) without shedding actual blood. Somewhere I could hang myself over & over again & NOT be dead.
Therefore, future self-destructive entries will be at an undisclosed location, together with those sappy old youtube songs.
This blog with the 'panjang nak mampos title tapi aku tak pedulik' shall remain sweet & funny & positive. There will be more wordless wednesdays & feel good fridays & big fat gundus & of course, cute nunu stuffs.
I shall not focus on family issues per se, as there are more to life than just the growing pains. But one thing for sure, I ain't gonna taint this blog & start torturing people with Barry Manilow :D
It may be funny if I'm beginning to quote Daniel Meade at this point, but trust me, Ugly Betty teaches you more than just about great/drab fashion sense & scheming colleagues. I believe he said something like, "Everybody has problems - big or small, no matter how rich or poor they are. But this is MY problem."
Which makes me comprehend that, OK so I have problems & other people may have bigger problems than mine. It is always easy to draw comparisons, but these are my demons to slay & I shan't be complacent that way.
However, upon realizing that I have so much to be thankful for (and that my problems are not half as big as Miss Hilton) - I have the faith that I have only Allah SWT to turn to & I shall learn to find peace of mind & happiness through the only way I can.
Heriati wrote an excellent entry about questioning the existence of her blog (and other matters). Like her and many other mummy bloggers, I started blogging to document my journey through motherhood, for I know sometimes it could be a lonely voyage.
I began to wonder what kind of persona am I projecting in this blog of mine? Probably all these while, people may believe that I am happy-go-lucky person behind this 'sugar-spice & everything-nice' blog.
Truth be told, I actually have a depressive nature & an inclination to suffer mental breakdowns every now & then. A closet maniac who always had suicidal & homicidal thoughts lingering at the back of her mind. The only difference between me & the person you read in the papers who jumped off the bridge or randomly hacks people is, I haven't been institutionalized. Yet.
Did I mention that I always go a little bit overboard sometimes?
OK, maybe I am not clinically insane, but you get the picture.
So, lesson learnt. Don't believe anything you read. I could be a stark raving cuckoo bird & blogging about the cute stuffs that my daughter do is the only outlet I have to keep my sanity.
A few days after posting up some really downer entries, I felt silly for displaying my vulnerability & concealing my true emotions behind sad youtube oldies to communicate my feelings & how miserable I felt these past few weeks.
So I took those entries down, but received feedbacks that at least one of the entry hit home with a friend & Mynn was also deeply affected by it, he posted the same verse on his blog to share with others. So I'm putting that post back up... with some editing of course :)
But I can't really resist, can't I? It was Monday & it was raining & I was feeling blue. I was missing my mother & remembered how much fun we had singing along to Karen.
And I know I needed someone to talk to. And I had no one to turn to at the moment. It's not like I've always poured my heart out anyone all these while. I'm a private person when it comes to things that are troubling me, but I've always manage to somehow pull through.
So which direction am I going really? Do I have a valid point here? I don't know, I wish I can stop beating around the bush now. I wish I can write a spot on entry just like Heriati, but come to think of it, that is so NOT me :)
So add this to another pointless rambling post from me.
Oh ya, I forgot. Silly me *slaps forehead* What I really would like to say is, I wish I can put up more entries on my life's journey through motherhood, and leave some of my emotional baggage elsewhere. Like a new blog maybe *lightbulbs flashing*. Yeah, that's right. A spanking new blog, just for myself.
Somewhere I could hold a cleaver & go bobbitting around (thanks Nad & Hana for this around term & idea) without shedding actual blood. Somewhere I could hang myself over & over again & NOT be dead.
Therefore, future self-destructive entries will be at an undisclosed location, together with those sappy old youtube songs.
This blog with the 'panjang nak mampos title tapi aku tak pedulik' shall remain sweet & funny & positive. There will be more wordless wednesdays & feel good fridays & big fat gundus & of course, cute nunu stuffs.
I shall not focus on family issues per se, as there are more to life than just the growing pains. But one thing for sure, I ain't gonna taint this blog & start torturing people with Barry Manilow :D
It may be funny if I'm beginning to quote Daniel Meade at this point, but trust me, Ugly Betty teaches you more than just about great/drab fashion sense & scheming colleagues. I believe he said something like, "Everybody has problems - big or small, no matter how rich or poor they are. But this is MY problem."
Which makes me comprehend that, OK so I have problems & other people may have bigger problems than mine. It is always easy to draw comparisons, but these are my demons to slay & I shan't be complacent that way.
However, upon realizing that I have so much to be thankful for (and that my problems are not half as big as Miss Hilton) - I have the faith that I have only Allah SWT to turn to & I shall learn to find peace of mind & happiness through the only way I can.
Your Lord is Allah, who, in six days created the heavens and the earth, and then willed to the Throne. He throws the veil of night over the day. Swiftly they follow one another. The sun, the moon, and the stars are compelled to His order. His is the creation, His is the command. Blessed is Allah, the Lord of the Worlds.
Feel good already, I have a meme to write!
12 comments:
Hey, hope you're feeling better already! *hugz*
Anne, it's crazy...this blogging business!
Anyway, I do hope you're feeling much better. We all have our ups & downs..it's just a matter of whether we want to show it. Don't feel bad about expressing those bad days.
Thankfully, we can always rely on our loved ones and Allah SWT to get us thru those tough times!
Take care gurl!
nadia, thks! after a game of tag, of course u feel better :)
heriati, i knoww!! like i said to a friend, i gotta go find an adrenaline pumping hobby lah, to vent out my frustrations in a healthier way :)
I kinda feel guilty coz some of my readers are genuinely concerned & it boggles me a bit. But actually, believe it or not, though some of us may not realize this, what we say or do in our blogs, or online, affects another person (or other people) in one way or another.
My mantra for now, "IKHLAS... tapi JAUH" ehehe...
Eh.. what happened to the Carpenters song? I was saving that for my Monday blues.. heheh..
dyanna, dah bury dalam drafts balik & has been moved to an undisclosed location... just for my viewing pleasure. You nak ker? Eh cari sendirik la... buahahahahhaha!
You do not have to apologize for any of your posts. Your blog is just that; your blog. If people are offended or don't like what they read, they should exercise their rights and click the X button at the top of the page.
Chin up!! Hope you get your good blogging mood again.
:)
just here to spread some sunshine! (too much of it in singapore hehe)
I found Westlife instead! Wohoo!
I dont think you've been spreading negativity at all...I always prefer sincere, GENUINE and polite bloggers. And I particularly like reading this entry....honest!!
along, thnks sis! i hope i can blog like you, always funny & honest & not afraid to speak your mind, no matter how sensitive the issue is!
hana banana, *catches rays of lights* GOT IT! I need the vitamin D I guess!
dyanna, this may sound cheesey, but I used to have a huge crush on one of the members :) :) :)
and lastly my dearest pycno, thanks a bunch. Do you find this entry honest? do you geddit? wow. frankly, raggedyanne just experienced some emotional revelation & needs to get her equilibrium balanced. there are many other issues, but i'd like to leave them untouched now.
cik anne oi....remember our pact? chin up baby!
pinkyj, i do! and you too, no more 'torn torn' okay?
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